Fears, Aversions, & Phobias

The only thing foreseeable about my HG now is its unpredictability! One day, I’ll feel fine and my nausea will be at a manageable level. I’m able to take care of my daughter and even go out for a little bit. Then the next day, the nausea will kick into high gear and I’ll be rendered helpless. On my bad days, I end up staying in bed most of the day because the nausea’s so bad. I won’t be able to take care of Lisi and going out is definitely out of the question.

It’s impractical to make plans with people because I honestly don’t know how my nausea will be that day. So I end up staying home most of the time just to be safe. It’s a lonely place to be. And the lack of control that I have over my own body is a really scary thing to live with.

Because of this unpredictability, I had a lot of fears, aversions, and phobias earlier on in my pregnancy.

I had many food aversions. I would avoid particular foods because of the fear that I would throw up the same food item again. For some reason (maybe because I’m not a huge fan of Korean food to begin with), I had a lot of aversions toward Korean soups that I had previously thrown up.

I had a major phobia about going out because I didn’t want to throw up in public. I made sure to carry a large Ziploc bag in my purse at all times, just in case. During the summer, the heat was so oppressive and would make the nausea worse. I had a lot of anxiety about going out to places with no A/C and feared that I would pass out in public.

I also worried about driving by myself because I was afraid I would throw up while driving and cause an accident.

Another major fear was showering. The combination of the heat from the water and the motion of washing myself was enough to trigger major nausea.

I also had a major phobia of the 2nd trimester blood glucose test. To test for gestational diabetes, you need to drink 50 grams of glucose concentrated in this thick, orange syrupy drink and then get your blood drawn. I distinctly remember throwing up the orange drink with my first pregnancy so this time around I refused to drink it. The doctor allowed me to do an alternative which was to eat 23 large jellybeans. I ended up getting carsick after eating such a large amount of candy in one sitting but I was able to hold it down.

Because I didn’t pass my first glucose test, I needed to do a second glucose test. Again I refused to do the syrupy drink. So instead I had to test myself via a glucose meter at home. The doctor ordered me to prick myself four times a day and to measure my blood sugar level with the meter. I had to do this for a week. Thankfully, I passed the test and do not have gestational diabetes!