Forbidden Fruit

It’s funny how we desire forbidden fruit. During my first and second trimesters, it was literally fruit and food that my body craved. My stomach rejected all the food I ate – everything would come back up. So you would think that I would be utterly disgusted by even the mere thought of food. And to a certain point, I was. I had vivid and traumatic memories of specific things I vomited – so I had many food aversions. I would get frustrated at my parents if they cooked something in the kitchen because the aroma of whatever was cooking would trigger nausea.

Yet somehow, paradoxically, my body still craved sustenance. It was like my body knew that I was starving and that I needed to eat. So even though the smell of food would make me nauseous and even though I had so many food phobias, I still had many fantasies about food. I religiously watched Masterchef and Hell’s Kitchen and would dream about eating delectable meals one day. I would yelp various restaurants and scroll through pictures of food that people posted online. I became obsessed.

When I battled insomnia night after night due to the excessive nausea, guess what I did? I started making a list of restaurants that I wanted to visit when I got better. I saved the list on my phone. It’s so funny to look at it now. Half of these restaurants I have no interest in going to now because my appetite is still shot due to the nausea. There is this constant sour taste in my mouth from the nausea and my taste buds seem disappointed with even the most delicious treats.

Maybe after I deliver the baby and when the nausea is completely gone, I will start making my way around LA and check off each restaurant on my ultimate food list!

Victory In The Little Things

This is what happens when you move to LA from SD in April and then immediately get pregnant in May and undergo hyperemesis…things are left unpacked and disorganized. It’s been a whirlwind of a journey! It’s October and there are still things we’re unearthing that we haven’t unpacked.

We stumbled upon this stash of candy the other day and I was flooded with traumatic memories of HG during my first trimester. This was my go-to survival kit of sweets I had in my parents’ house where I received IV treatment for two months. The nausea was so bad that I had to constantly be chewing gum or sucking on candy to try to keep myself from upchucking and also to battle the perpetual yucky, sour taste in my mouth. Werthers caramel candies were my favorites.

I couldn’t eat or drink anything for two months but there was always candy or gum in my mouth. My friends who would visit me would bring bags of candy because they knew that was the only thing I could eat! I guess this is a good reminder of how far I’ve come. At least now I am able to eat and digest food most of the time!

I realize HG is about finding victory in the little things. Mild-grade nausea is still ever-present and I’m still throwing up once or twice a week but I can celebrate the fact that I am: 1) not throwing up every day, 2) no longer on daily IV treatment, 3) no longer losing weight but actually gaining weight, 4) able to eat without major stomach pain, 5) able to have a bowel movement every day! (sorry if that was TMI, but this one is a serious victory to celebrate), 6) able to go out in public (on my good days at least), and 7) able to take care of my daughter most of the time.